From the Files of Vomit Hönig: Punk Rock Psychiatrist
Originally appeared on The Bygone Bureau
Subject: Joey R.
Complaint: Joey was brought in by his siblings who expressed concern regarding the patient’s withdrawn state. Deedee R. (brother): “He doesn’t want even wanna walk around with [me] or go down to the basement anymore. All he seems interested in is sniffing glue, saying it’s ‘something to do.'”
Diagnosis/Treatment: “Lanky” body type, difficulty with language and diminished responsiveness all support diagnosis of profound developmental disability related to XYY syndrome. We advocate a program of chronic care management that includes social skills, speech and occupational therapy, with light assembly work recommended as the most likely avenue to financial independence.
Subject: Henry R.
Complaint: Feelings of persecution and physiological insatiability have caused the patient severe distress, leaving Henry in a state he characterizes as “damaged.”
Diagnosis/Treatment: Hypomania and paranoid delusions are consistent with psychiatric effects of long-term abuse of anabolic steroids. The immediate employment of an estrogen supplement regimen is advised, even if treatment must be performed surreptitiously (i.e. added to patient’s food or drink).
Subject: Mike M.
Complaint: Patient was referred to this office by his parents after complaining of growing dissatisfaction with and resentment of himself and others.
Diagnosis/Treatment: Patient has acute (likely sexual) fixation with ‘Pepsi’ brand soft drinks and reacts violently to inquiries regarding his obsession. This leads us to believe Mike is “crazy,” as his parents have determined, and requires institutionalization, as they have suggested.
Subject: Johnny R.
Complaint: Patient cites hopelessness regarding the future and unintentional hostility towards others as his motivation in seeking treatment: “I try to reach out to people, I really do, but it never comes out like I want. Does that make any sense, you cretinous bogey?”
Diagnosis: The unlikely blend of belligerence and self-importance appears to be a rare example of a reverse messiah complex. Administration of ECT (electroshock) therapy to Johnny would likely improve the condition of both the patient and the mental health professional greatly.
Subject: Glenn D.
Complaint: Friends and relatives report that subject is frequently observed experiencing “hybrid moments.” Indeed, close family members cite instances of late night rants in which subject sings like Elvis and insists he has “turned into a Martian.”
Diagnosis: Subject experiencing identity crisis which could be the sign of developing personality disorder. Recommend heavy dose of Prozac and suggest that subject be monitored to ensure he remains clear of liquor stores.
Nice article, great looking blog, added it to my favorites.
I thought Joey Ramone had Marfan’s Syndrome…? (med student)